Just for Laughs

Walter's Advice Column

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?Let's face it -

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France .

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find:

Quicksand can work slowly.

Boxing rings are square.

A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

Writers write but fingers don't fing.

Grocers don't groce.

Hammers don't ham.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, then preachers must have praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat.

Should all the English speakers be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital.

Ship by car and send cargo by ship.

Have noses that run and feet that smell.

A slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites.

How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike.

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which:

Your house can burn up as it burns down.

You fill in a form by filling it out.

An alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race which, of course, isn't a race at all. So...

When the stars are out, they are visible, but.

When the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why...

When I wind up my watch, I start it, but.

When I wind up this essay, I end it.

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. The phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work. You don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property. She then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down, I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So, is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

Regards,
Peter.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Bambie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Bambie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.

I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the  Ohenimuri Grill at the club , so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bambie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Artery : The study of paintings

Bacteria : Back door of the cafeteria

Barium : What u do with dead patients

Bowels : A E I O U

Caesarean Section : A suburb in Rome

Cat scan : A search for kitty

D & C : Where Washington is

Dilate : To live longer

Enema : Not your friend

Fester : Quicker

Genital : Not a Jew

Impotent : Distinguished and well known

Labour pain : Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff : Doctor's walking stick

Morbid : Higher offer

Nitrates : Cheaper than day rates

Out Patient : A person who's fainted

Pelvis : A friend of Elvis

Post Operative : A letter courier

Seizure : The roman Emperor

Terminal illness : When you get sick at the airport

Tumor : Another couple

Urine : The opposite of "you're out"

•  Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

•  Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

•  How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

•  OK, so what's the speed of dark?

•  How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....

•  I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

•  Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

•  Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

•  Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

•  Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

•  Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

•  If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

•  A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

•  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

•  For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

•  He who hesitates is probably right.

•  Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

•  No one is listening until you make a mistake.

•  Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

•  The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

•  The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.

•  The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

•  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

•  To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

•  Two wrongs are only the beginning.

•  You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

•  The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

•  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

•  If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

•  A fool and his money are soon partying.

•  Money can't buy love. But it can rent a very close imitation.

•  Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade.

•  Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

•  Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

•  99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

•  A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

•  If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

•  Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just have film.

•  Boycott shampoo. Demand the REAL poo.

•  Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

•  What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

•  Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

•  I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

•  I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

•  Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

•  Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

•  Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bare arms.

•  For Sale : Parachute. Only used once. Never opened. Small stain.

•  Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

•  The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

•  Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

•  Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

•  Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it !

•  If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

•  Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

•  I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

•  Death to all fanatics!

•  Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

•  Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

•  42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

•  Chastity is curable, if detected early.

•  Don't be sexist; broads hate that !

•  Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

•  Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

•  The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

•  I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

•  I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

•  I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

•  If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

•  Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb !

•  Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

•  The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

•  When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

•  Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

•  Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

•  If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

•  Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

•  When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

•  Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

•  Black holes are where God divided by zero.

•  Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon ?

•  What do people in China call their good plates?

•  What do you call a male ladybug?

•  Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

•  Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

•  Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

•  Why are cigarettes sold at petrol stations where smoking is prohibited?

•  Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

•  If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

•  Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

•  If fire-fighters fight fire and a crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

•  If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children!" "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us." "But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

Seasoned beer drinkers often feel compelled to justify their fondness for the golden brew. I've heard a good number of valid reasons for drinking beer, but the one that takes the cake is called the "Buffalo Theory". It originated in America and goes something like this.

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

Cheers !

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday in front of the Judge. The Judge said: "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,"How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles like this:

O o

....and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable!" said the Judge. To the second boy, the judge said," And you, how did you do?" "Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing!! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles...

o O

.....and said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your bum before prison....."

Have you ever heard of the word 'Tenjewberrymud'? Its amazing, you will understand this word by the end of the conversation. Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension).

This has been nominated for the best email of 1999.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service (HISPANIC) at a hotel in America which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.

Room Service(RS): Morny. Ruin sorbees

Guest(G): Sorry, I thought I dialed room service.

RS: Rye . Ruin Sorbees .. morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?

G: Uh, yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.

RS: Ow July den?

G: What?

RS: Ow July den? pry, boy, pooch?

G: Oh the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.

RS: Ow July dee baychem....crease?

G: Crisp will be fine.

RS: Hokay. An San tos?

G: What?

RS: San tos. July San tos?

G: I don't think so.

RS: No? Judo one toes?

G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means.

RS: Toes. toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?

G: English Muffin! I got it! You were saying 'Toast'. Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

RS: We bother?

G: No. Just put the bother on the side.

RS: Wad?

G: I mean butter....just put it on the side.

RS: Copy?

G: Sorry?

RS: Copy... tea ... mill?

G: Yes. Coffee please and that's all.

RS: One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fie, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother, honey sigh, and copy....rye?

G: Whatever you say.

RS: Tendjewberrymud.

G: You're welcome.

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Gary left work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque. When he finally came home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry Dawn. She barraged him for two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Dawn stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" Gary replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see Dawn. Tuesday was the same. Wednesday came and went and he still didn't see Dawn, but on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him: reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," the voice said. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped its right paw ........ brought both paws together.... bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the *exact* words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

A wealthy man sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked. "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" the man asked incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "It's of you and your mistress."

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work.The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly."Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."