Just for Laughs - page 3

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog?

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10. They have breasts.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'."

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A friend is having trouble with his system. Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without any trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off.

But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.

Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000 plus GreatMealsOnTable (Guaranteed for a limited period). But imagine my friend's disappointment on discovering Wife 0 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hard Drive and cannot be deleted - they then re-surface months (or years) later. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs Ultra STROP and WHINGE zip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself.

The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoe shop BrowserPro for new attachments - Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week.

Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.

Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida . His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Bru, can you spare two rand?" The well- dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend in on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum. "You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum. "You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf." The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."

"Hello, is this the police?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Tony. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the police officers descended on Tony's house.

They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no marijuana. They swore at Tony and left. The phone rang at Tony's house.

"Hey, Tony! Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy"

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one! The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me. " He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl. "And that, your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.

A husband comes home one day to find his wife on the porch, bags packed waiting for a taxi. The husband asked, where are you going? The wife replied, I found out I can go to Las Vegas and earn $200.00 for what I give you for free, so I'm going. Before the taxi came, the wife turned around and found her husband standing behind her with his bags packed, too. The wife asked him where he was going. The husband replied, "with you...I want to see how you are going to survive on $400.00 a month!"

A fellow was about to enter a bar when a dog said to him, "Hey, mister! Wanna make some quick money?" The man couldn't believe his ears. He said to the dog, "Can you talk?" "Yeah," the dog answered, "and that's how we can pick up some easy money. You take me into the bar with you, pretend I'm your dog, and bet everybody I can talk." The fellow thought that was a great idea, so he took the dog into the bar, set it on the bar, and announced to everyone that the dog could talk. The other patrons didn't believe him, and it wasn't long before several thousand dollars had been bet. Finally, after all the bets had been placed, the guy said to the dog, "All right, go ahead and say something." Nothing. He told the dog again, "Hey! All the bets are placed! Say something !" The dog just looked at him and whined. The man, asked again and again, but the dog wouldn't say a word. Finally, the guy had to pay all the bets, scooped up the dog in disgust and walked out. Once outside, he screamed, "You just cost me way over a thousand dollars! You got anything to say before I kill you?" "Use your head, mister," the dog answered. "Tomorrow night, we'll be able to get five-to-one."

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big heist, then began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he hears: "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot squawked: "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" The bird replies: "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole ...

First Guy: "You guys have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing today. I had to promise my wife that I'd build her a new deck for the pool."

Second Guy: "You're lucky. I had to promise my wife that I'd paint every room in the house next weekend."

Third Guy: "You guys have it easy. I had to promise my wife that I'd remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realize that the fourth guy hadn't said anything. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30AM . When it goes off, I turn it off, nudge my wife and say 'Golf course or intercourse?' She says 'Don't forget your sweater and have a great time.'"