Just for Laughs - page 4

Three guys die and go to heaven. While they are waiting to get in St Peter asks them if they could hear what people were saying about them at their funerals what would be the one thing they would most like to hear someone say about them. The first guy says: "Well I would like to hear them say: 'He was the best doctor this town has ever had, he will be missed.'" The second guy says, I would like them to say I was the greatest father and a wonderful husband." The third guy thinks for a minute and says: "I want them to say: 'Hey I think he's moving.'"

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East . See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other." The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate." The genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again."

No pun intended:

•  A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

•  A pessimist's blood-type is always b-negative.

•  What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

•  Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

•  A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

•  My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

•  I used to be a lumberjack but I couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

•  If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

•  Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

•  Banning the bra was a big flop.

•  A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

•  Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.

•  Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

•  Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

•  A backward poet writes inverse.

•  In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.

•  She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

•  A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

•  If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

•  When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

•  Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

•  Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

•  Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

•  Dancing cheek-to-cheek is a form of floor play.

•  A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

•  With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

•  Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat minor.

•  When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

•  The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

•  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

•  You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

•  Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.

•  He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

•  Every calendar's days are numbered.

•  A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

•  A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

•  He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

•  A plateau is a high form of flattery.

•  The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

•  Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

•  Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

•  Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .

•  When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

•  Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

•  Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

•  Acupuncture is a jab well done.

•  Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

•  And remember, "Dyslexics are teople poo."

•  Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead racoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

•  Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina . One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

•  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

•  A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

•  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

•  A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

•  A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins, dear! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

•  These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

•  And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to people, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

1. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for a few minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

2. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!

Once upon a time an Arab was walking through the Sahara Desert, desperate for water. Then he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes with your robes." The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water." "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant my brother runs. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want." The Arab thanked him, walked away towards the hill, and eventually disappeared. Five hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind the card table. He said, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?" The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?Let's face it -

English is a crazy language.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find:

Boxing rings are square.

A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

Writers write but fingers don't fing,

Grocers don't groce.

Hammers don't ham?

Origami Bank has folded.

Sumo Bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai Bank is cutting back some of its branches.

Shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived.

500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Something fishy is going on at Sushi Bank as customers are getting a raw deal.

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error. "I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right." He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first. "I'm wrong," she said. With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking, smartly dressed woman sitting on the bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?" Having already had a few drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter." He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

Another dinosaur theory

Let's consider the physical evidence. The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year. Do the maths and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.

2. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

5. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.