Just for Laughs - page 5

Surina and Des got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, Surina immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh ma," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic." Then suddenly she burst out crying. "But ma, as soon as we returned, Des started using the most horrible language - things I've never heard before! I mean all these awful four letter words! You've got to take me home. PLEASE MA!" "Surina, Surina!" her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with Des and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? What four letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you ma," wept Surina, "I'm so embarrassed. They're just too awful! COME GET ME PLEASE!" "Darling! Baby! You must tell me what has you so upset! Tell your mother these horrible four letter words!" Sobbing, Surina said, "Oh ma, he used words like dust, wash, iron, cook." "I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop, full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."

A guy walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender says, "Sorry, mate, but you have to order them and drink them one at a time. House rules." The guy at the bar replies, "You see, I have two brothers. When we all lived back in our hometown, we would meet after work every evening for a beer. When we went our separate ways, we promised each other that as long as we could go to a bar after work and drink three beers - one for each of us - that we would always be together in spirit." Touched by the guy's story, the bartender pours him three pints. Sure enough, every day after work, the guy comes into the bar, sits by himself, and orders three beers. One day, however, after several months of this, the guy sits down at the bar, but only orders and drinks two pints. Just as he's about to leave, the bartender says to him, "I know it's none of my business, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry about your brother." "My brother?" asks the patron, puzzled. "What do you mean?" "It's just that you only ordered two beers today." Replies the bartender. "Ah. Don't worry, my brothers are both fine. I gave up drinking for Lent."

A doctor made it a regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home from work. The bartender knew of his habit, and, because the doctor was such a regular customer, would always have the drink waiting when the doctor came in. One afternoon, as the bartender was preparing to mix the doctor's drink, he realized that he was out of hazelnut syrup. Hoping that the doctor wouldn't mind, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory syrup instead, and had it waiting when the doctor arrived. The doctor came in, took one sip of the drink and said, "This isn't my hazelnut daiquiri is it?" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand. He notices that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery, where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the 'R', we forgot the 'R'." His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "Celebrate, the word is Celebrate!"

Apparently True - From a Zimbabwean newspaper:

While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo , the bus driver stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers. When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen. Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his 'charges', warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable. Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that suspicions were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20. As for the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.

Apparently True - From the Star Newspaper

"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane . "Our nation's Merchant Navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all" Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar: "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in."

An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.' 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her,' and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.'

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 140 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic £250 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Only when he's been drinking."

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks," I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" "Yes," she replies, "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." "That's remarkable," the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."