Just for Laughs - page 6

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Pilots (marked with a P) and the Solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts, "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage, "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I luv you..."

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Ford.'

Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.

Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

Mr G. goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What's that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That's a thermos." Mr G. then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold." Mr G. says, "I'll take it!" The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos. His boss, Mr Van Niekerk, sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object you have?" He replies, "It's a thermos." The boss then asks, "What does it do?" He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss says, "Wow, what do you have in it?" Mr G. replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

True story

Believe it or not...

This story concerns a match played between Barbados and Grenada in a cup competition. Barbados needed to win the game by two clear goals in order to progress to the next round. Now the trouble was caused by a daft rule in the competition which stated that in the event of a game going to penalty kicks, the winner of the penalty kicks would be awarded a 2-0 victory. With 5 minutes to go, Barbados were leading 2-1, and going out of the tournament (because they needed to win by 2 clear goals). Then, when they realized they were probably not going to score against Grenada's massed defence, they turned round, and deliberately scored on their own goal to level the scores and take the game into penalties. Grenada, themselves not being stupid, realized what was going on, and then attempted to score an own goal themselves. However, the Barbados players started defending their opponents goal to prevent this. In the last five minutes, spectators were treated to the incredible sight of both team's defending their opponents goal against attackers desperately trying to score an own goal and goalkeepers trying to throw the ball into their own net. The game went to penalties, which Barbados won and so were awarded a 2-0 victory and progressed to the next round.

A middle aged man bought a brand new Audi TT Roadster. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a police car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 230 km/hr to escape being stopped. Then he thought, What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police car to catch up with him. The policeman pulled in behind the TT Roadster and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back." The policeman said, "Have a nice day."

Home late after another evening with his drinking buddies, shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and bum to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!" Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?" "Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly.... it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

The preacher's Sunday sermon was, "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many have forgiven their enemies. About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question. All responded, except one elderly lady. "Mrs Henry, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mrs Henry, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three," she replied. "Mrs. Henry, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived those cows."

On a visit to Malawi at the airport Mr Mbeki is met by the country's Minister of Harbours. All of a sudden Mr Mbeki realizes that this is absurd, this country has no harbours as it is landlocked. He is very puzzled and decides to find out what the story is. At the official state banquet later that night, he leans over to the president and asks: "Mr President why do you have a Minister of Harbours when you don't have any harbours?" The president looks Mr Mbeki straight in the eye and says: "Well, you know that may be true Mr Mbeki, but I was just as puzzled at why you have a Minister of Law and Order?"

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead." "You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What'chaa gonna do ha ha? Point to your watch and say - TIME'S UP?"

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six-pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left. The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left. The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach standing there. This time he was knee'd in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then he left. The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug beat the stuffing out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" answered the doctor. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, £150?"