Just for Laughs - page 8

Which brings us back to dough, dough, dough ...

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about the current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick manoeuvre', but I ain't never seen nobody do it before."

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.

I wanted to be an atheist, but I gave it up. They have no holidays.

Don't be humble. You're not that great.

It's simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say,..... and then just don't say it.

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating. In fourteen days, I lost exactly two weeks.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life.......unless I buy something.

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

Let me tell you one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil.

Cocktail lounge , Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:

COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:

WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR

In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school:

NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

In a cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES

Supermarket, Hong Kong:

FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?" One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU have to go and eat the cleaner!"