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Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Money can't buy love. But it can rent a very close imitation.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just have film.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bare arms.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it !
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Death to all fanatics!
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do you call a male ladybug?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at petrol stations where smoking is prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
If fire-fighters fight fire and a crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
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